David Weinholtz Dept.: Border Patrol

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What the HECK is a Conservative?

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New World Notes News

Volume 2, Number 4 -- January 27, 2009

This week in New World Notes, #49 -- January 27 & 30:

What the HECK is a "Conservative"?

If memory serves, during the Presidential campaign, John "Songbird" McCain charged Barack Hussein Obama with being "the most liberal member of the Senate." To me, even if true, this would be low praise at best, like being the "most tolerant" member of the Ku Klux Klan or the roughest, toughest Teletubby of 'em all!

Seems to me that our Senators run the gamut from Eisenhower Republicans (Ted Kennedy) rightwards to people who call Mussolini a Commie because he supported public transportation (McCain and 53 others). With Obama just a step right of center.

Why most duck-hunters prefer daytime.

Bushism differs from traditional conservatism
in a few respects.

Incidentally, I have no idea how McCain gained the nickname "Songbird." According to an article in CounterPunch several months ago, it was given to him by his POW comrades back in Vietnam days. Has anyone heard details about what particular Asiatic tortures his evil captors inflicted upon the airman whom they knew to be the son of the commander of all U.S. forces in southeast Asia? I suspect the tortures involved being forced to read Asian Socialist magazine and eating locally-grown brown rice instead of Uncle Ben's.

But I digress. I'm old enough to remember when people who proclaimed themselves to be Conservatives advocated (1) limited government (2) "fiscal responsibility," including (3) balanced budgets; (4) maximum freedom of the individual from the heavy hand of government control; (5) local control of schools, even to the point of (6) abolishing the Department of Education; (7) avoiding debt; (8) restraint in military interventions abroad; and (9) oh, why go on? These principles are all so quaint . . . all so 20th-century!

Conservative icon

Conservative icon

Apparently not a conservative icon

So if the Cheney-Bush CABAL was "conservative," what the heck is a Conservative? By the same token--with Ted Kennedy a leading advocate of the "No Child Left Behind" anti-education horror--what the heck is a Liberal? But since no politician is willing to be called a Liberal, that's the less pressing of the two questions.

So in NWN #49 we explore what turns out to be a very interesting question . . . with important implications to our lives. After a general look around, we'll zero in on two contentious issues: The No-Child-Left-Behind fiasco of recent years and the school-integration-through-busing fiasco several decades back.

The show is mostly brilliant monologue, but the topic does give me excuse to play the two funniest songs about conservatives I've ever heard (not counting "Ballad of the Green Berets").

Yes, but you have to marry them first. T-shirt sociology.

TV commentatress Ann Coulter: GOP heartthrob.

Naturally, pointy-headed Liberals disagreed with Coulter's
plans for the European Union.

This week's music:

• Roy Zimmerman, My Conservative Girlfriend
• The Foremen [includes Roy Zimmerman], Ain't No Liberal
• Intro/Outro: Warren Zevon with Something Happens, Werewolves of London
  

Catch New World Notes . . .

• Tuesdays, Noon to 12:30 PM, WWUH-FM 91.3 (West Hartford) & http://wwuh.org/
• Fridays, 7:30 to 8:00 AM, WHUS-FM 91.7 (Storrs) & http://www.whus.org/
• Any time: Listen to or download any installment ... or subscribe to a podcast ... at A-Infos Radio Project: http://www.radio4all.net/index.php?op=result&action=series&series=New%20World%20Notes .

Duck-hunting at Wasilla Municipal Pool? Is this Sara Palin or Tina Fay? In either
case, she looks better in a patriotic bikini than Vice President Cheney ever did.
She also has a better grasp of elementary gun safety than Cheney. Note trigger-
finger kept alongside (not on) the trigger when there's no intent to fire imminently.
This summer I asked if America was ready for a Vice President who posed a
greater danger to game species than to her hunting partner. In November,
America answered with a resounding NO! Gul-durn Liberals!

Return of the Jello

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New World Notes News

Volume 1, Number 25 -- December 30 , 2008

Public Apology: In last week’s program I mentioned that Molly Ivins had been one of 2,000 liberals in the state of Texas. In the interest of homeland security, I revealed where to find the rest. In doing so, I had the sort of mental slip everybody makes once in awhile. Like saying “Saddam Hussein” when you meant “Barack Obama.”

So I heard myself saying that 200 liberals could be found on the campus of Southern Methodist University. I half expected the flood of hate mail I received from the Dallas suburbs, but the threatening notices from SMU’s lawyers were a surprise. So let me say that I have ceased and desisted this arguably felonious behavior. I acknowledge the falsity of my statement, which statement I deeply regret and now do publicly retract.

Obviously, I momentarily confused Southern Methodist with Texas Christian University, in nearby Fort Worth. The few emails I received from the TCU faculty were charitable and humorous, poking gentle fun at what they saw as my “brain fart,” to quote George Carlin, as several of them did.

The Rapture: Hartford, looking southwest from what is now Interstate 84. I think.
Note the total absence of downtown businesspersons heading heavenwards. Did
the motorcyclist make it, or is that him inspecting his spark plugs (far left)?

This week in New World Notes, #45 -- December 30 & January 2:

Return of the Jello

Title of this week's program courtesy of Jonathan Dowst, who, despite my best efforts, has been transmogrophied into a Star Wars fan. On the plus side, at least he still loves playing with language.

People may find it surprising that many of our best cultural and political analysts focus on language. Orwell, of course. In 1984, the State has a program of reducing the English vocabulary to only a few hundred words--thus making it impossible for people to make subtle distinctions. So politics becomes a matter of Good (those who agree with the Chief Executive) vs. Evil (those who disagree with him). And obviously, in such a world, diplomatic shilly-shallying is less than useless, so in case of disagreement with another government, send the Marines!

Does this sound at all familiar? (See also: Evil Empire, Axis of Evil, neoconservatives, Bush Doctrine.)

Though no fan of the Christian Right, Jello thought the anticipated Rapture was
“kind of cool!” He relished the thought of all the “religious extremists” being
“wafted up to heaven--naked! --leaving the rest of us to put the world back
together again in peace.” Jello didn’t realize (see illustration) that (1) apparently
the saved wouldn’t be naked and (2) every drop-dead-gorgeous example of
nubile jailbait would be swept up in the first tranche. My first lover favored
denim wraparound miniskirts too, to equally good effect. Apparently Howard
Hughes--looking for a new challenge after famously engineering the brassiere
Jane Russell wore in The Outlaw-- later had the good fortune of meeting the
sweet young thing in the Afro at a church social.

I recognize the style of The Watchtower’s in-house illustrator. Someone
should advise the Seventh-Day Adventists that a Methodist war criminal
has snuck in among the faithful.

Before Orwell there was Swift and (especially in his essays) Twain, among others. Afterwards we have--to rattle off the first to come to mind--Dorothy Parker, Lenny Bruce, George Carlin, Molly Ivins, Michael Parenti, and Jello Biafra. All are good analysts of politics and culture. All discuss the use, abuse, and misuse of language. Interestingly, all except Orwell are known for their humor, and some are card-carrying comedians.

We’ve already had more than enough Rapture illustrations, but this bit of kitsch was
so charming, I had to share it. It’s called “The Rapture,” but I suspect it could be
called “The Death of Ophelia” equally well. What is that thing at the top of the picture?
Did someone toss a Hoover Upright into the pond after her? Makes me inclined
to suspect the husband.

Molly we heard last week; George Carlin we shall hear next week; and let us now turn again to Jello Biafra. When this Dead Kennedys alumnus is not punk-rocking away with Jello and the Melvins, he's an astute political analyst and social critic . . . and a very funny speaker.

In these selections from a talk he gave this summer, Jello delivers his own "farewell kiss from the widows and orphans" of our country to the White House’s Current Occupant. Which inevitably leads Jello to the subject of How to Mangle the English Language for Fun, Profit, and Glory--while destroying the country that made your wealthy and comfortable life possible . . . to say nothing of the Middle East! Which reminds Jello of his high school geometry teacher, the only man who could even approach Bush when it came to logotorture and grammaticide!

Jello’s a half-century old this year. The recording artist, not the non-nutritious
dessert. Jello’s nom de guerre combines a region of Nigeria once known for
starvation--and probably just as hungry today--with the popular American
junk-food. Not bad for a punk rocker in a band with a name like
The Dead Kennedys, eh?

Jello also discusses “creative sabotage,” how to reduce your bondage to corporations, why Armageddon “could really wreck your day,” and why “doing something,” even if only a little, “is always better than doing nothing.”

Recommended listening.

I don’t know where or when this photo was taken. How’s this? “Proudly displaying the
Colors, the President bids a fond adieu to Baghdad at the conclusion of his surprise
pre-Christmas visit.” Another problem with the French is that they don’t even have a
word for adieu, either! (Bush had actually said this about entrepreneur.
Could I make this stuff up?)

Catch New World Notes . . .

Tuesdays, Noon to 12:30 PM, WWUH-FM 91.3 (West Hartford) & http://wwuh.org
Fridays, 7:30 to 8:00 AM, WHUS-FM 91.7 (Storrs) & http://www.whus.org/
Any time: Listen to or download any installment ... or subscribe to a podcast ... at A-Infos Radio Project: http://www.radio4all.net/index.php?op=result&action=series&series=New%20World%20Notes

Christmas Special: Molly Ivins . . .

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New World Notes News
Volume 1, Number 24 -- December 23 , 2008
http://newworldnotes.blogspot.com/

This week in New World Notes, #44 -- December 23 & 26:

Christmas Special:
Molly Ivins on Religion, Politics, Democracy,
Fun, and Those Darn 'Lord Impersonators'

Now comes New World Notes's first-ever Christmas Special. I should have devoted installment #38 (November 11) to the subject of guns. Then I could have called it NWN's ".38 Special." Yes, I know, I could have done it this week as well, as there's also a ".44 Special." Not too common these days, though. And since I know neither how to breed or nor how to shoot horses, I can't use ".45 Colt" next week either!

Probably my best bet would be to wait another six years, get permission to do an hour-long show on guns, and call it our ".357 Magnum."

So installment #44 is our Christmas Special, and let's not hear any cracks about shooting off my mouth!

Featured speaker is the late, great humorist, journalist, and Texas-liberal agitator, Molly Ivins (d. 2007). And to hear Molly inevitably is to hear about Texas--which is how my mind turned to the subject of guns & ammo in the first place. Who ever heard a story about Texas that didn't involve at least one gun?

Texas Governor Rick "Goodhair" Perry. "That man has a head
of hair every Texan can be proud of, regardless of party."

This being modern Texas, though, the story has more religious nutcases than guns. People who believe that God is giving them special assignments. For instance: drive to Louisiana naked. With 16 naked neighbors. In the same car. (If you have to ask: Pontiac GTO.)

Or for instance: invade Iraq, bring the hajjis Christianity, democracy, and free-market capitalism, and let them pay for our help out of their oil revenues.

Looking in good spirits despite chemotherapy. Quite a contrast
to the Governor, though!--as she was in most other respects
as well as tonsorially. Molly died of breast cancer in 2007.

Molly--who is addressing an audience in Berkeley--also touches on California Governor Schwarzenegger (who looks like "a condom stuffed with walnuts"), Texas Governor Rick "Goodhair" Perry, and the Enron executive appointed as Texas State Utilities Commissioner--and driven out of office by the state's legion of small-game hunters. Plus musings on democracy in America and hard-earned advice from a Texas Liberal to left-wing activists everywhere: Have a good time now. Don't wait until you've won all the battles to make politics fun!

And next time you get special instructions from On High, make sure it's the real Lord who's speaking and not one of those damn' Lord Impersonators such as the one Crawford's Connecticut Cowboy has been listening to!

California Governator Schwarzenegger:
"a condom stuffed with walnuts"?

Ann Richards--Governor of Texas, 1991-1995; defeated for re-election by
W. Bush; died in 2006. Possibly the only politician in the state Molly ever
admired--apart from onetime Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower.
Here Richards tests the radical new motorcycle--the first ever designed
and built in Texas --the Alamoster 883, as Keith Olberman (rear)
scowls in approval.

But in our Christmas Special, it wouldn't do to let the Lord Impersonators have the only word about Higher Things, so the program features other voices too. Roy Zimmerman sings about "Jerry Falwell's God." Tom Lehrer sings about celebrating Christmas, American-style. And I offer a few words of praise for the man Ezra Pound (I think it was) appreciatively dubbed "Commander Carpenter." A.k.a. Jesus of Nazareth.

So happy Christmas, one and all! And if anyone happens to give you a Christian Bible as a Christmas present, see if it has a decent index. If it does, try looking up some topics, just to see if Jesus might ever have had anything interesting to say on the subject. Possibly,

• America, God's blessing of, or not
• homosexuality
• abortion
• neighbor, loving your
• hungry, feeding the
• naked, clothing the
• homeless, giving shelter to the
• peacemakers
• ploughshares
• wealth, personal
• stones, casting the first

As the byline shows, Molly's wit and sanity are missed
well beyond the confines of Texas. Cartoon by Bagley.

Catch New World Notes . . .

• Tuesdays, Noon to 12:30 PM, WWUH-FM 91.3 (West Hartford) & http://wwuh.org/
• Fridays, 7:30 to 8:00 AM, WHUS-FM 91.7 (Storrs) & http://www.whus.org/
• Any time: Listen to or download any installment ... or subscribe to a podcast ... at A-Infos Radio Project: http://www.radio4all.net/index.php?op=result&action=series&series=New%20World%20Notes

Disclosure: A number of captious critics, some of them clad in leather jackets, have taken issue with certain points of the Ann Richards caption.

Weinholtz's Gratuitous Art

JOE by David Weinholtz

FOR SALE--Cheap!

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Junior Senator (slightly used)

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Answers to the name of "Joe" or--called by AIPAC--"Here, Boy!"

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Housebroken. Some identity issues.

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Quotable quote--on bombing Iran: "What, me worry?"

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No reasonable offer refused!

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